LoveJY

Readers beware. Very long. Contains thoughts and opinions you may or may not agree with, but hopefully we will all continue to learn something while chewing on these difficult cuds of musings.

Last night Ricky and I watched the movie Up in the Air, about a guy who fires people for a living, and revels in his apparent skill of doing so “with dignity”. He tells people he’s their “reality check” and that instead of mourning the loss of their jobs, they can celebrate new opportunities to try things they never allowed themselves to before. He gets stuck with showing the ropes to a new young employee who’s revamped the system so that they can fire people via videochat, thereby reducing the airfare required to send the firing agents cross country. They both get their own reality checks; she, realizing the dehumanizing effects of her job, and getting betrayed by her own “get married for love” attitude after being dumped via text message; he, acknowledging that his self-isolation damaged rather than protected himself from the “burden” of relationships. In the end, no one’s right, but no one’s wrong.

I definitely recommend watching this movie, because it makes us re-evaluate our motives and our preconceptions of how the world works versus how the world should work. At first I agreed with the new girl. Why wouldn’t you want to get married? Why wouldn’t you want to have kids? Do it for love, do it for the family you could have, do it so you’ll always have someone next to you for the rest of your life. “So you won’t have to die alone,” she said. Being tied down, though, prevents you from moving fast, exploring new places. That was his mantra, which I also agree with.

The question is then, what are we doing and why; and do our ideals of how we’re supposed to be doing these things, in fact, mislead us?

I know at this point, some of you may think, “Just do whatever is right” or “God will ultimately lead you down the path that is meant for you”. I don’t disagree with these, but they are too overarching, too vague, and too naive, if left as the end-all, be-all answer.

Ricky showed me a post from his friend’s blog about how many of his good girl friends have divorced or thought about separating from their husbands. He was struggling with the idea that even those that claim to have the Faith are vulnerable to failed relationships.

An excerpt:

I truthfully do not know what to believe these days.  Church or non-church, half the marrieds I see don’t look happy.  Church or God or anything else is not going to guarantee bliss.  Turning to God or your belief system might help, but even I get sick of the honks at church who give blanket statements about “time to get right with God.”  It’s not an if then.  If it is, then disprove this, “I’m right with God, but I’m wrong with marriage.”  You can’t.  Because it is possible to be right with God and wrong with marriage.

We been taught to marry someone that loves us and can provide for us (mentally, monetarily, spiritually, emotionally).  What if that formula is wrong?  Marrying to strengthen the families seemed to work better in the olden days.    Are marriages supposed to be happy?  Are marriages supposed to produce kids?  Is love always supposed to be there?  Is it allowed to fade and comeback?  Maybe we have it right.  Maybe we have it all wrong.  What makes a marriage nowadays? I don’t know, I’m confused.

I had a thought the other day–before reading Ricky’s friend’s post– just wondering about marriages in the old days, or maybe even not so old, where people would get married not “for love”, but could still stay together through the years. I wasn’t really wondering what exactly was the key to their success, or what exactly defines a “successful” marriage. Is it happiness? Is it children? It is duration? I had some of the same question as Ricky’s friend. Think outside the box a little, and separate yourself from the notion of marriage that we’ve been raised to accept as true.

I think, regardless of how a successful marriage is “supposed to” look, we are too often unaware of some of the issues that are the core of a relationship between two people, particularly two who are married. This list is not exhaustive; just a few points that I had in mind. Also, as I’m not married myself and do hope to be someday, I’m writing these from experience of being in a relationship and what has emerged so far in light of attacking the very issues that work to pit us against each other.

1. Being selfless. I believe at our very nature and at the root of our wrongdoings, is selfishness. Not to say it’s the most fundamental sin, but I do think that most if not all of our less holy actions can be traced back to selfishness. Just being in a relationship with someone demands that we are less selfish. We must consider the other person, and we must push some of ourselves out of the picture so that we can pull more of the other person into the picture so that there can even be an “us”. It can be hard to say sorry first, or to wash all the dishes without being asked. But if it’s for the better of both of “us”, we need to be less selfish.

2. Practical compatibility. Opposites do attract, but something as simple as syncing sleep patterns can be enough to drive a couple crazy. Imagine a thrill-seeker who’s with a homebody. To some extent, that’s Ricky and me. He’s active, out-going, sociable, aggressive, always on the move. I prefer to be stable, quiet, less talkative, and to take things slow. We’ve already recognized this as a significant difference, since we’ve had our share of conflicts and I’m sure we will continue to have them in the future, simply because we’re wired and were raised very differently. This brings me to point #3.

3. Compromise. Having an area where we are not practically compatible is very dangerous. If I’m not a little more active sometimes, or if Ricky’s not less aggressive sometimes, we could be having a really rocky relationship. It doesn’t sound like the biggest deal, but to compromise part of our basic nature is always counter-intuitive. I made this a separate point from #1 because while it’s part of being selfless, it’s different from reconciling over difficult incidents. This is reconciling mindsets and attitudes. This is changing who we are. Some people might not be ok with that, and that’s something we have to weigh for ourselves. Is being with this person worth sacrificing a part of who I am?

4. Love changes. At least our definition and expectations of love changes. When you first meet someone, it’s exciting. Something new and unexplored; you’re just getting to know the other person and have the whole world to talk about. Weeks, months, years go by, and you know each other like the backs of your hands. Maybe now companionship is what keeps you together. Maybe the benefits of double incomes. Maybe the children. Someday we’ll be old and saggy, and sex may be the last thing on our minds, but that’s ok. Our love will most likely be based on different factors as time goes on, not because we don’t want it to stay the same, but because things happen and we get old. Love changes, so what? How will we respond to the progress and stages of the relationship?

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I had more to say on other topics, but I will leave tonight’s post here, as it is 2:40am Shanghai time, and this has gone on long enough. Stay tuned for an update on my newfound inspiration to be an artist.