LoveJY

1. You can feed certain human medicines, both western and Chinese, to a kitten – like tylenol, de-wormer, and huang lian su.

2. It’s possible to be a succesful artist and own a thriving unique/cozy/ coffee shop, without having gone to school related to either.

3. As of tomorrow, “yellow mold season” in Shanghai will be over and although not as humid, it will start to be VERY HOT.

4. Cheesepuff is the best cat ever. He likes attention but isn’t clingy or naggy, he’s really clean, and he’s super quirky.

5. You can type “7456!” when chatting in Chinese to say “气死我了” about something annoying or frustrating  (lit. makes me angry to death!)

6. Most older people regret not traveling more while they were young.

1. I have to be sensitive to, but not sensitive about client demands, especially if they are particularly difficult and unreasonable. Try to accomodate them as much as I can without taking their criticism personally.

2. Another way of thinking about careeer path, via Ricky’s friend’s:”My Dad just read me something from a book, that experts become so after 10,000 hours doing something. So your job is what you do, and more than likely, if you’re ever really good at anything, then its going to be your job. Your career. And so one of the questions I ask is, “What do i want to be good at?”

3. 欠: qian4, que1. To lack, to owe, to be deficient of.

4. There are such things as liquid dehumidifiers.

I miss the long drive from LA to San Diego.

I miss having to run across the beach because the sand’s so hot.

But

I love that I just came back from Nanjing.

I love that I’ve already been to Shanghai, Beijing, Kunming, and Changzhou too.

I love that I’m planning to buy tickets tomorrow to see my parents in Chengdu.

I love that I can buy fruit extra cheap off the streets at midnight.

I love that it’s cold enough to use an electric blanket to warm up my bed before I climb in.

I love that my sense of family has changed for the better.

I love that I really do feel more Chinese, not just by association, but by learning through experience.

I love that even though I get frustrated with crowdedness and pushiness, there are acts of kindness to be seen everywhere.

Something about that city really makes me want to go back. I think it’s partly because I feel like I didn’t get to see the whole thing (and even those parts that I saw, I would go see again!), and partly because I experienced an exceptional amount of tremendous family hospitality.

Anyway, I’m back in Shanghai now, and I’ve started my new part-time job! I’m working at Barefoot Portraits, doing client and production coordination, and soon to be working on some marketing plans. At first I was a little disappointed that I didn’t have a more photographer-centered position, but I’m pretty sure the time and energy spent on doing my job well now offer me more to learn from in terms of soft skills and business thinking. My first few days and already I have so much information in my head to be sorted and mastered.

I end my short post tonight with the philosophical question of the day:

Is it worth losing good things in life, in pursuit of other good things?

I’ve been in Beijing for the last 6 days, waiting for my visa extension to go through. In the meantime, Crystal’s taken me and another friend around the huge city, to amazing historical sites that are just incredible. We went to the Great Wall first, on an extremely cold day, as you can see it had just snowed (in March!). We only hiked past 4 towers, but it felt like we went so far because of all the climbing up and down in the biting wind. It’s hard to imagine how tough it was to build such an immense structure, totalling about 8000km in length, all along the highest points of the mountain; and on top of that, how soldiers had to navigate it with 20kg+ worth of armor and weaponry! That afternoon we also went to the Houhai Lake area, where we saw old men jumping into the half-frozen lake in their speedos!

The next day we went to Tiananmen, where Mao’s portrait famously hangs facing the Great Hall of the People. We wanted to see the Chairman, but the mausoleum was closed to the public for the week-long annual Party meeting. Out of 52 weeks, it had to be this one… But then we also went to the Forbidden City–where we walked through door after door after door– and the Temple of Heaven, the unique circular temple symbolizing heaven (heaven as round, earth as square).

I thought Shanghai was big and amazing–which it is– but Beijing definitely has more cultural significance and historical sites, all of which are just mindblowing. 不可思议: inconceivable, unfathomable.

Tomorrow, Summer Palace  and Beijing Zoo+Aquarium!

Addendum. Met a new group of cousins tonight, all super nice. I really wish I had grown up with more extended family around. I can only imagine how wonderful it would’ve been to have so many close  哥哥姐姐’s (in Chinese culture we call older cousins older brother, older sister, and since I’m the youngest on this side of the family, hurrah!). Growing up with my one older brother was awesome, so having 10 more would’ve been crazy! Since my dad was one of the younger ones in his generation, most of my cousins on my this side of the family are already middle-aged and married with kids, so it felt a little weird in the beginning calling them 哥哥姐姐when normally I would call people their age 叔叔阿姨 (uncle, auntie). Anyway, to put it simply, it was nice.  I like being in China.

Ricky and I have been spending the last week in Kunming with his family, celebrating the Chinese New Year. It’s been enjoyable to say the least; I don’t think I’ll ever be able to adequately describe the experiences we’ve had these past few days. His family showed us around and we saw so many beautiful places, but the best part was listening to the histories and learning more about his grandparents and parents and aunts and uncles; and re-realizing that there is so much more that I want to learn.

That’s about all I have to say for now.

Since my last post was quite lengthy, I’m going to try to keep this half a bit shorter. Aside from all the relationship realities, I’ve also been thinking more seriously about pursuing art. It sounds so vague, and I myself don’t have a good idea of what exactly that means. I’ve always felt like I had no real passion for anything, but I’m slowly realizing that those little things I like to call hobbies may just be what I’m really passionate about. I’ve just never allowed myself to think that way, because I was raised to think that the only successful careers are the ones that make money, and artists don’t make any money, so you do the math. All this time, when I was wondering if I had any passions, I was really wondering if I had any passions that might promise to make money.

Anyway, Ricky and I met a new friend recently who lent us a book called The Artist’s Way:  A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. It starts off introducing a new philosophy of art and creativity, seeing it as coming from a higher source, and as we ourselves are only vessels through which this creativity can flow, we need to nurture our “Creative Child” to grow and improve. The most important thing it teaches though, is that we are our biggest blockers of creativity. We block ourselves by not believing that we have the potential to create something worth calling “art”, or that we’ll never make enough money to support ourselves, or that our family (i.e. Asian parents) will be disappointed. These are legitimate concerns, but those of us who really feel an unescapable link to artistic expression may use them as excuses, and we end up regretting having never tried to make anything of it.

An excerpt:

Remember that in order to recover as an artist, you must be willing to be a bad artist. Give yourself permission to be a beginner. By being willing to be a bad artist, you have a chance to be an artist, and perhaps, over time, a very good one.

When I make this point in teaching, I am met by instant, defensive hostility: “But do you know how old I will be by the time I learn to really play the piano/act/paint/write a decent play?”

Yes… the same age you will be if you don’t.

That was the most compelling passage for me. I’m not going to throw away the idea of going to school to get a Masters of Marriage and Family Therapy, but I’m more excited than ever to really approach photography and handcrafts as more than just a hobby or “side thing”.

As for making money off of them, I think there’s a huge aspect of learning to be a good businessman and marketer for your own product. As much as you are an artist, if you want to make money off of what you do, you need to learn how to sell it. Like John Mayer. or Jay-Z. Anyway, before I get too off topic, I want to leave you with another excerpt for brain food:

Without specific tools and sufficient ego strengths, many gifted arists languish for years in the wake of such blows. Shamed at their supposed lack of talent, shamed by their “grandiose” dreams, the young artists may channel their gifts into commercial endeavors and then forget their dreams of doing more groundbreaking (and risky) work. They may work as editors instead of writers, film editors instead of film directors, commercial artists instead of fine artists, and get stuck within shouting distance of their dreams. Often audacity, not authentic talent, confers fame on an artist. The lack of audacity–pinched out by critical abuse or malnourished through neglect–may cripple many artists far superior to those we publicly acclaim.

Plan of action: I will start looking up various photo techniques and styles to improve my shooting and general exposure to the world behind a lens. Which reminds me of another great quote: “An artist is the sum of his experiences.” You can’t be inspired by what you don’t know.

Today’s theme: black-and-white

AND! I’ve opened up on Etsy! Not exactly how I’d imagined it, but alas, many a great start have had humble beginnings. So please support me by sharing with your friends! Tell them I make pretty earrings.

Readers beware. Very long. Contains thoughts and opinions you may or may not agree with, but hopefully we will all continue to learn something while chewing on these difficult cuds of musings.

Last night Ricky and I watched the movie Up in the Air, about a guy who fires people for a living, and revels in his apparent skill of doing so “with dignity”. He tells people he’s their “reality check” and that instead of mourning the loss of their jobs, they can celebrate new opportunities to try things they never allowed themselves to before. He gets stuck with showing the ropes to a new young employee who’s revamped the system so that they can fire people via videochat, thereby reducing the airfare required to send the firing agents cross country. They both get their own reality checks; she, realizing the dehumanizing effects of her job, and getting betrayed by her own “get married for love” attitude after being dumped via text message; he, acknowledging that his self-isolation damaged rather than protected himself from the “burden” of relationships. In the end, no one’s right, but no one’s wrong.

I definitely recommend watching this movie, because it makes us re-evaluate our motives and our preconceptions of how the world works versus how the world should work. At first I agreed with the new girl. Why wouldn’t you want to get married? Why wouldn’t you want to have kids? Do it for love, do it for the family you could have, do it so you’ll always have someone next to you for the rest of your life. “So you won’t have to die alone,” she said. Being tied down, though, prevents you from moving fast, exploring new places. That was his mantra, which I also agree with.

The question is then, what are we doing and why; and do our ideals of how we’re supposed to be doing these things, in fact, mislead us?

I know at this point, some of you may think, “Just do whatever is right” or “God will ultimately lead you down the path that is meant for you”. I don’t disagree with these, but they are too overarching, too vague, and too naive, if left as the end-all, be-all answer.

Ricky showed me a post from his friend’s blog about how many of his good girl friends have divorced or thought about separating from their husbands. He was struggling with the idea that even those that claim to have the Faith are vulnerable to failed relationships.

An excerpt:

I truthfully do not know what to believe these days.  Church or non-church, half the marrieds I see don’t look happy.  Church or God or anything else is not going to guarantee bliss.  Turning to God or your belief system might help, but even I get sick of the honks at church who give blanket statements about “time to get right with God.”  It’s not an if then.  If it is, then disprove this, “I’m right with God, but I’m wrong with marriage.”  You can’t.  Because it is possible to be right with God and wrong with marriage.

We been taught to marry someone that loves us and can provide for us (mentally, monetarily, spiritually, emotionally).  What if that formula is wrong?  Marrying to strengthen the families seemed to work better in the olden days.    Are marriages supposed to be happy?  Are marriages supposed to produce kids?  Is love always supposed to be there?  Is it allowed to fade and comeback?  Maybe we have it right.  Maybe we have it all wrong.  What makes a marriage nowadays? I don’t know, I’m confused.

I had a thought the other day–before reading Ricky’s friend’s post– just wondering about marriages in the old days, or maybe even not so old, where people would get married not “for love”, but could still stay together through the years. I wasn’t really wondering what exactly was the key to their success, or what exactly defines a “successful” marriage. Is it happiness? Is it children? It is duration? I had some of the same question as Ricky’s friend. Think outside the box a little, and separate yourself from the notion of marriage that we’ve been raised to accept as true.

I think, regardless of how a successful marriage is “supposed to” look, we are too often unaware of some of the issues that are the core of a relationship between two people, particularly two who are married. This list is not exhaustive; just a few points that I had in mind. Also, as I’m not married myself and do hope to be someday, I’m writing these from experience of being in a relationship and what has emerged so far in light of attacking the very issues that work to pit us against each other.

1. Being selfless. I believe at our very nature and at the root of our wrongdoings, is selfishness. Not to say it’s the most fundamental sin, but I do think that most if not all of our less holy actions can be traced back to selfishness. Just being in a relationship with someone demands that we are less selfish. We must consider the other person, and we must push some of ourselves out of the picture so that we can pull more of the other person into the picture so that there can even be an “us”. It can be hard to say sorry first, or to wash all the dishes without being asked. But if it’s for the better of both of “us”, we need to be less selfish.

2. Practical compatibility. Opposites do attract, but something as simple as syncing sleep patterns can be enough to drive a couple crazy. Imagine a thrill-seeker who’s with a homebody. To some extent, that’s Ricky and me. He’s active, out-going, sociable, aggressive, always on the move. I prefer to be stable, quiet, less talkative, and to take things slow. We’ve already recognized this as a significant difference, since we’ve had our share of conflicts and I’m sure we will continue to have them in the future, simply because we’re wired and were raised very differently. This brings me to point #3.

3. Compromise. Having an area where we are not practically compatible is very dangerous. If I’m not a little more active sometimes, or if Ricky’s not less aggressive sometimes, we could be having a really rocky relationship. It doesn’t sound like the biggest deal, but to compromise part of our basic nature is always counter-intuitive. I made this a separate point from #1 because while it’s part of being selfless, it’s different from reconciling over difficult incidents. This is reconciling mindsets and attitudes. This is changing who we are. Some people might not be ok with that, and that’s something we have to weigh for ourselves. Is being with this person worth sacrificing a part of who I am?

4. Love changes. At least our definition and expectations of love changes. When you first meet someone, it’s exciting. Something new and unexplored; you’re just getting to know the other person and have the whole world to talk about. Weeks, months, years go by, and you know each other like the backs of your hands. Maybe now companionship is what keeps you together. Maybe the benefits of double incomes. Maybe the children. Someday we’ll be old and saggy, and sex may be the last thing on our minds, but that’s ok. Our love will most likely be based on different factors as time goes on, not because we don’t want it to stay the same, but because things happen and we get old. Love changes, so what? How will we respond to the progress and stages of the relationship?

__________________________

I had more to say on other topics, but I will leave tonight’s post here, as it is 2:40am Shanghai time, and this has gone on long enough. Stay tuned for an update on my newfound inspiration to be an artist.

Interesting juxtaposition. That word always makes things sound more serious than they really are. Anyway, I went shopping for kitchen supplies today, and decided to spend a little more money on the cutest sponges I’ve ever seen. I suppose it’s all part of a subconscious effort to make home more homey–and the fact that I almost can’t resist these kinds of things. I’m having an internal conflict; my nesting instinct versus desire to be mobile. Why get attached to something you know you’ll have to leave? Ah, so philosophical. In the end, I still believe it’s better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all.

On a lighter note, Ricky and I ate at Saizeriya tonight, and noticed this sign as we were paying for our dinner.  I don’t mind at all, since I don’t expect everything to be spick and span here; just thought it was funny how it actually says “Fail”. The food is not bad… Not great either, but the price is definitely fair. Glad I had my P&S with me all day; I’m going to keep with me wherever I go from now on, because there’s always going to be something that I’ll be glad to be able to look back at someday. And I must start using shorter sentences.